Buying gifts for an off-road triathlete is not nearly as complicated as it is for the road triathlete.
Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
Rule #1: When in doubt, buy him a new mountain bike. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 5 and he has yet to complain. As an off-road triathlete, you can never have too many bikes. No one knows why.
Rule #2: If you cannot afford a mountain bike, buy him anything with the words Tubeless or Lube in it. They love saying those two words, "Hey George, are they Tubeless?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with the lube yet?" Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy some stuff for his practice bag. A 99-cent swim cap, a small tube of GU or some sort of cool mountain bike sticker/tattoo. They love to stuff their bags with stuff. No one knows why.
Rule #4: Do not buy your off-road triathlete "crew" socks. Do not buy them "brief" swimsuits. And never buy them a "surfer's" wetsuit. If God had wanted them to wear surfers' wetsuits, he wouldn't have invented Vortex or the Pro Vector.
Rule #5: You can buy off-road triathletes new tubes or tires to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money, buy your ORT a ticket voucher to Hawaii with the intention of him off-roading up a volcano as the world champ. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6: Do not buy an off-road tri any of those fancy "fitness waters". If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 3 years. Real ORTs drink water with dirt in it.
Rule #7: Do not buy a married ORT aftershave or deodorant. ORTs do not stink, they are earthy. These gifts are OK for the single ORT. But remember that for them this is just a means to an end, like a cat sees bird seed.
Rule #8: Buy ORTs a bike tool. This gift is almost as good as a new mountain bike. Within a couple of rides there will be bike tools absolutely everywhere. In sport bags... Car seats... car trunk.... basement... Drawers...Dining room table...Kitchen Sink... You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #9: Never buy an ORT anything that says "Ironman" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will think "you really don't get what I do".
Rule #10: Good places to shop for ORT include XterraGear.com, EMS, REI, Patagonia, Performance Bike, Specialized, and any local bike/ski shop who loves off-road rides. Ebay & Overstock are also excellent ORT's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From Patagonia, eh? Must be something I need." "Hey! Isn't this a Locean whitewater vest? Wow! Thanks! I could use this on my runs."
Rule #11: Off-road triathletes enjoy danger and action. That's why they never run on the road, unless the road involves a detour that does something cool. This is also why they will run on the road, sometimes. Get him on the road with a new pair of running shoes... Tell him the there is a car chasing after him. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Panic and anxiety! Who wants to race?" Get him the new extra gripping trail running shoe. "Whoa! Look at the guy dodge over those boulders!" Don't get him a cross-training shoe- boooorrrring.
Rule #12: Tickets to any destination off-road triathlon is a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to " visit the family", unless there is a race nearby. Everyone knows why.
Rule #13: ORTs love getting Muddy. Never, ever, buy an ORT you love Michelin sprint bike tires. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a bike tool.
Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good dual suspension or a hardtail with XTS front shock bike. Never buy a real ORT a hybrid bike. It must be a MOUNTAIN bike with no pedals. No one knows why.
Rule #15: Race -entry fee. ORTs love when someone else pays their race- entry fee. It takes them back to their childhood, or at least adolescence. Nothing says love like letting them "go and play outside with the others". You know why ;)
